Monday, June 17, 2013

My girly fear

Happy Monday, everyone! I hope you all had a great weekend celebrating the Daddies in your lives! :) We had a great day of family time together, MH got some new video games, and we ended the day with a really great dinner with the in-laws. 

Today I'm going to write about something that I have been really considering, as it gets kinda personal for me, but I decided it's time. I'm going to talk about why I'm afraid of ever having a daughter. 

Growing up, I was a very awkward, insecure girl. Sure, sure... I know what you're thinking. Weren't we all? But my insecurity was honestly and truly debilitating. I was always really skinny. No, not good. I mean scrawny... Allow me to paint the picture: my knees were the biggest part of my leg for a good majority of my life. I weighed 58 pounds in 7th grade! No... There wasn't anything wrong with me. I was just knobby knees and elbows on a 4 foot 11 inch frame. And I remember that I always ate like crazy, so I guess you could say I had a super fast metabolism. I was always going, going, going, too, so I'm sure that helped. In any case, I had an awkward body. I was (and am) short, yes, but I have always had more leg than torso. Since most kids my weight at the time, were probably 5 or 6 year olds, this meant that I almost always wore jeans that looked like I was ready for a flood. As you can imagine, middle school was rough. But high school - at least the beginning - was brutal. As a freshman in high school, I entered weighing in at a grand total of 86 pounds, measuring a whole 5 feet tall. I definitely got asked several times throughout the day if I was lost and told that the elementary school was across town. Yeah... It was a ball. My parents made the decision when my sisters and I were younger, that we could wear makeup when we turned 16. Now, I respected that decision, though I resented it up and down; but until the day I turned 16, I walked the halls feeling as though I looked like an ugly boy with crooked teeth. My body "blossomed" suddenly and completely out of the blue, and this almost made things even worse! Here I was... Still wearing my high water jeans, no make up, crooked teeth, weighing 96 pounds, with a chest that did not match the body. I felt like I had no idea how to dress myself, and can't remember really feeling all that comfortable in my skin. With a sister two grades ahead of me, with straight teeth, gorgeous hair, and knowing who she was, I felt like the ugly sister. So I made up for it all by using my volume. If boys weren't gonna think I was pretty, I was going to make as many friends as I could! 

Suddenly, my Junior year of high school, braces, my teeth, makeup on my face, and having broken 100 pounds, I finally felt a slight surge of confidence. It was short lived when I realized that my thighs would look wider when my legs were flat on a seat. I swear to you, I never noticed this before that moment. I also started noticing that my stomach was no longer concave! I was finding myself in the body of a woman, but had been in the body of a girl for 15 years! I thought I was getting chunky. I just didn't understand. I started to believe that people had certain expectations of my appearance and began stressing about meeting those expectations that NO ONE had ever communicated with me. Still... I felt a little more confident with some makeup on my face and not feeling like I looked like a boy anymore. In fact, I thought I might be a little pretty. My Senior year, I felt pretty good about myself. Still awkward, and not completely sure how to dress myself, but I was alright, I thought. Certainly, I figured, I wasn't ugly anymore! Though I had had a few boyfriends, it wasn't until College, braces free, when I felt like I could truly be seen as attractive, and I met MH. But I still carried that "expectation" of myself that I needed to be thin and that being thin would mean that I was pretty. I even stooped to drastic levels of losing weight... It's something I'm still not proud of, but it all makes me... Well, me. I was unhealthy; I was insecure. Through my 20s, I though that I had experienced some confidence here and there as I got older and started to understand what was important in life; but it hasn't been even until having baby C that I have been able to feel any true confidence in my body. I now find my body beautiful, strong, and am proud of where it has been and what it has done. 

So why am I afraid of having a daughter? I still look back on my middle school and high school self with regret and resentment for not having taken hold of my youth and control of my confidence. I watched my younger sister have some bright, bold confidence in high school... Knowing who she was and her sense of style. I scold my past self for not forgetting about what others might think of me and just being who I was. This makes me so nervous to ever have a daughter, because I fear that I might project my past fears onto her. I worry that I may even attempt to live vicariously through her in some way, to make up for what I feel like I missed out on. The whole time I was pregnant, I thought I might be having a girl, because my family has girls! We just do! But I had always secretly hoped for a boy. And even from the day I found out I was pregnant, I could only imagine myself carrying around a baby boy in the future. So when we found out we were having a boy, I was shocked! I didn't know what to do with a boy!  But I was relieved... I wouldn't have to worry about trying to keep myself from molding him into the teenage girl I wish I was. Don't get me wrong, if I ever end up with a daughter in some way, so be it. And I will love her just as much as baby C, and I will face my fears head on. But I don't ever want my future daughter to feel the way that I felt; I would do anything to protect her from that, and that scares me. 

Zebra love and hugs! 


1 comment:

  1. This is really interesting. I had all kinds of awkward horrible experiences adjusting to girl-body things growing up as well, but I feel as if I am better able to help my own daughters because of that. My oldest is 11 and talks to me about being nervous about how her body is changing and how that relates to her relationships at school. I'm glad she can talk to me, and I'm glad I can understand, and so far she's weathering all of it much better than I ever did. I think if I had had things easier (does anyone, though, really?) I would not be able to guide my daughter as well or empathize with her easily. So you never know! Your perspective may make you the perfect candidate for raising a daughter!