Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Mother I Never Had

Happy Sunday! Kailly here. I know we don't normally post on Sunday, but it has been a crazy few days, so I decided to upload my post this morning, instead of at midnight last night when I finally had a chance.

I received a few messages via text and facebook asking about a comment I made about my mom last weekend. They both asked if I would maybe do a blog in the future on my mom. This was a hard one for me. I don't like talking about her much, and I definitely don't like when people give me the "pity" look when I explain something on how I grew up. I don't have a lot in common with my mother. Well, besides that our DNA matches.

My mother is an addict. Not past tense. Not just one addiction. You name it, it's been there. She has supposedly been clean for seven months now, which is great. But, my guard is not down. You see, I've dealt with her addictions since I was born. 24 years.

When I was knee high to a pigs eye, she had food issues. She would constantly talk about us not being allowed to be "fat." I struggled with this years later. Even as a child it set in quickly to me that you needed to be thin to be loved. How sad is that? Being a five year old girl, I hated eating. I thrived for that confirmation from my mom that I was awesome. We all strive to make our parents happy, right? Sadly, when I was a 16 year old girl, things hadn't changed. I dropped weight quickly, worked out way too much, tossed my cookies way too often, and only ate paper for the fiber. After a lot of counseling and help, I have finally conquered this! I will never speak of weight around my daughter. No matter what size she is, she will always be perfect to me. I, as her mommy, will always love her more than anything in the world.

As I grew up, her addictions changed from food, to alcohol, to drugs. She went to rehab when I was 16. She was clean for a few months, but not long enough. I have hardly seen my mom in a sober state. I know her personalities based off what she is on at the time, and have shut her out of my life since I got married. We tried to help her last August. It bit me in the butt so hard, I likely still have a welt there.

When you grow up with an addict your whole life is different. But, I never saw that. I love life. I always have. And, I didn't grow up without a mom. My dad married my step mom. She came into my life when I was a young girl. My weekends were spent with my dad and my step mom! Those were the best memories of my childhood. My step mom taught me how to cook, bake, and how to take care of myself. I can never thank her enough. D if you are reading this, please know that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. YOU are the person that taught me how to be a Mom. And, I will always look at you as my mom, and as N's grandma (Mimi!)

Here is where it all changed. October of 2011, my husband and I found out we were expecting. I panicked. I was so afraid of being a mom because I didn't want to be a bad mom. I didn't want to be the mom I had. The mom that would punish us for no reason. The mom that would leave us home alone while she went out late. The mom that would come home drunk late at night, while her elementary aged children stayed up waiting in fear, and then would hold her hair back as she threw up for hours on end. She would sleep it off the next day, while we headed to school to try and get an education of some sort.

As I grew up, I knew I would be different than my mom. I got an education. I worked my butt off so hard at a job I was at for years, working mainly on commission to buy my first house when I was 21. This was my dream home. We've since sold it and moved to Denver, but I will always be proud of myself for that house. I made sure as a teenager and young adult that I would be financially stable. I didn't want to struggle.

Anyway, I panicked. I didn't want N to grow up with a mom she secretly despised. I don't want her to be an adult and push me away. There were many days I turned to my husband in tears for comfort. He reminded me that I've never done drugs, and I don't drink alcohol, besides a strawberry daquiri every once in a blue moon, my last was months before I even got pregnant. And, N is now 9 months old, and besides a few sips of beer, I still don't drink.

But, this is where it is different. I don't struggle. I know I am a great mom to N. And, I know I will take great care of her, forever. I will be an inspiration to my daughter. She will have a mother that never chooses anything above her. She is my addiction. When I wake up every day to my gorgeous girl smiling at me, I can't imagine not having her with me. She is my partner in crime, my best friend, my mini me. She is the light of my life. And, I will do whatever it takes to make sure she grows up happy, healthy, and taken care of. I will forever work my butt off every day to be the best mommy I can be.

Hope that answers a few questions! Love y'all and see you Wednesday! Also, join us on facebook! Search for Just ASK Always and come chat with us about our blog, and share your story with us!

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination" Jimmy Dean

1 comment:

  1. I can relate to this. My mom has her issues that has greatly impacted my childhood and still does to this day. When I got pregnant, my biggest fear was not being a good mom, and really struggled with that. Fortunately, I had a wonderful therapist that helped me to work those feelings, and gained confidence that even if I mess up from time to time, I am still going to be a good mom.